Don't mess with Texas...or my wine.

Hi Friends - I know it's been a long hiatus. When asked why I haven't blogged in a while I always say, "Well either I haven't seen any nonsense worth blogging about or I've gotten used to it." Well, nonsense came back, 20 minutes ago, in Houston, Texas.

It goes something like this:

I drove from Waco to Houston after my meeting today. I rolled into the area of town where my Hampton Inn was, pulled into the parking lot, looked around and accessed my alcohol and food options. Across the street from the hotel is a Jack n the Box and a gas station. I'll pass on the Box but the gas station convenience store looked promising. I drove over, went in and headed to the "wine" section. It was 4 bottles, all of which I'd rather be sober forever than ever drink. I decided to pass on the wine but did pick up a bag of Bugals (score). 

Back in the car and back to square one. I ripped open the Bugals and told Siri to find me a liquor store nearby. That bitch is on top of her game. She found me one 1.5 miles away. A place called "Best Liquor". She asked if I wanted directions to Best Liquor. I told her I'm always looking for the best liquor. She didn't get my sick joke. Whatever.

The saddest part of this story is I didn't take a single picture. But I chose to concentrate on staying alive instead. 

When I parked and looked over at the store, there were about 7 scary lookin' fellas loitering out front that I would have to walk through to get into the store. My gut instinct was to speed away pronto but my love and need of wine is too strong. If I could handle the trenches back when I was in 'Nam, I could handle this.

I laughed as I walked from my car through the parking lot to Best Liquor because the whole scene was just ridiculous. I was wearing a dress and high heels and looked like a fish out of water. Like a giant one. Like Jaws. Everyone stared at me but I just kept smiling and walked my white ass into the store. After passing my first challenge of walking past the black mafia congregating out front, I thought I was home free. No. It got even weirder. The store smelled like a mix of cigarettes, curly fries and malt liquor. I half expected my Mom to walk out from the back, high give me and tell me she’s been hiding out in this paradise for 11 years. As I walked to the “wine section” I passed a short Russian man standing behind a folding table offering shots of vodka. Being that I was on a work trip, I decided to politely decline but I made sure to shake his hand and say, “Thanks Borus, give my best to Putin.” He said his name was Ted. I told him he shouldn’t ignore his Russian heritage and should go by his given name of Borus Popov. That’s when he told me he wasn’t Russian and I walked away.

In the back of the store there was a counter. Behind the counter was a women with red hair  sitting at a computer that I think I used when I was 9. There were a couple of ladies talking to her and making some kind of transaction. I can’t say what this was other than I was sure the show “Cops” was secretly filming and a raid was about to go down. I moved as slow as possible in order to improve my chances of being on TV. Sadly nothing went down so I focused my attention on getting wine. The selection of was Barefoot impressive, but I decided to splurge on a $9.99 bottle of Dark Horse. I figured if I wasn’t going to make it out of that store alive, I wanted to at least go down with a decent bottle of wine in my hands. Here it his folks, in all its tiny brown bag glory:

Until the next round of nonsense….

SD to LA to Paso Robles to LA - LAX to DEN to ALS to DEN to ALS

This trip was part fun, part work, which was the definition of not fun. It's the un-fun crap that allows me to have super fun times and also the reason I've made such great new friends to enjoy it with. My co-worker Tina and I (I feel it's ok to use her real name since this doesn't include inappropriate work shenanigans), decided to go wine tasting together in Paso Robles. I've never been and she'd never even heard of it. In fact, until she heard me pronounce it in person, she called it Payso Row-bless which I found absolutely charming until I found out she can't pronounce shit when it comes to Spanish words. I started making her try and pronounce all Spanish words we saw along the 3 1/2 drive up from LA and giggled each time she butchered it. It got to the point where she started reading random freeway signs like "exit" to prove to me that she could in fact, read at all. She was a good sport about it and in the end still friends with me, so I call it a win. After all, she did get to make fun of me when we passed cows off the freeway and this embarrassing exchange happened:

Me: ooo look, meat cows!

T: um, what? Meat cows as apposed to what other cows?

me: you know, the black ones are for beef and the black and white ones are milk cows

T: where did u come up with that nonsense? (I'm not sure if this is what she said but it was close)

Me: I don't know, my friend told me.

T: all cows are meat cows.

Me: whatever

Now I'm even more confused then I was before. Note to self, research being a ranch hand to learn more about livestock.

Wine tasting was a total blast. I ate my weight in steak (meat cow) and drank my weight in wine. After two days of this bender, I ended up with drink coasters and a trivet (WTF?)  from 4 wineries, a random wine glass that I probably stole, two bottles of wine I do not remember buying and a very expensive membership to Justin winery. I think I joined it using a credit card that is already maxed out so, I'm solid there.  

At one of the wineries, we came across a game where it asks you questions about life. The question of "if you were given one hour a week on a computer once a week what would you do?This sicko said "porn": 

Ok, so would I.

 In all seriousness, I had an amazing time, here are some pics from the trip: 

T and I drove back to LA to spend St Pattys day evening with our other coworker, Stephanie. We made an appearance at a Taluca Lake Irish bar, got take out, played cards against humanity, laughed hysterically, drank Moscow mules and passed out watching Shameless. I mean come on, what's better than that? Pic's from St Patty/'s Day:

My favorite kind of trip is when a bazillion inside jokes come out of it and that was this trip. Thanks Tina for going on this adventure and for still liking me after 3 solid days together. Can't wait for the next one!

Because I was gone for 7 days and had wine to pack, I had to bring Big blue. Blue is the monster suitcase I take on long trips. Blue is a bad ass and survived the adventure and most importantly, kept my wine safe. I flew from LAX (fuck that airport) to DEN where BB got stuck and slept in a bin somewhere. Blue chased me around southern Colorado and could probably write its own blog. (Clearly, I have yet to figure out Blue's gender). In other horrific news, I was forced to buy an outfit from Wal Mart and a CHI flat iron I fully intend on returning.

The one good thing that happened on this trip is I was able to get yet another amazing ham sandwich. I got a photo this time! Guys, I'm serious about this sandwich. 

BB ended up on the plane that I flew out of Alamosa on. I had to recheck it on United to SAN.  When I saw BB round the corner in SAN, I smiled. We both survived.

But....I swear, no matter how F'd up my travel is, nothing ever beats the view from the top:

 Until next time.

CP

SAN to IHD to HOU to DEN to ALS to DEN to SAN

As I start this blog while on my HOU to DEN SW flight, I first need to point out (so I don't forget), the grown man, wearing a business suit across the aisle, drinking a jack and coke and eating his homemade snack mix made of assorted cereals. I can't handle a dude who eats frosted mini wheat's out of a gross, heavily re-used ziplock bag. Just eat the peanuts man, they're better for you and you don't look like a fool. $5. 

I landed in Denver and drove over to my cousin Elizabeth's house, which I was totally jazzed about. Our Dads are first cousins and where really close so Elizabeth and I grew up together. As we grew older we grew apart but always had the family connection. Like many people, Facebook reconnected us a few years ago and when I heard I was headed to Denver, we made plans. We re-bonded over pizza and wine, reminisced and just caught up on several years worth of life. We started with two bottles of wine and I'm pretty sure I finished 1 1/2 of the 2. The next day was rough and I was kicking myself for not remembering how alcohol affects me in high altitude. Maybe I should move to Denver, I'd certainly drink less.

Disclaimer: If you are a man who has lost his wife, stop reading now.

We went to breakfast the next morning and talked about various topics, all of which were hilarious and offensive. My favorite was talking about how dating in your mid-30's was a challenge because most divorcee's with kids have angry ex wives around. Elizabeth blurted out, "what about dating widowers?". Great idea!!!! We can troll the obit's section, hang around local support groups and show up to funerals dressed to impress. "sir, I know you just lost your wife and aren't ready to date but here, take my, number. Call me when you're ready, (wink)." So wrong, but so amazingly genius. 

I forgot to take a picture of us but I did take this photo from outside my cousin's house and kinda dig it. 

After my appointment at an agency in Golden, CO (home of the Coors Light), I drove back to Denver and swung into a Buffalo Wild Wings for a beer and to cross CO off my list. I sat at the bar which was empty, until Bill arrived and sat down next to me. Bill, an older gentleman, was amazing and one of those people you will always remember meeting. This guy has been coming to that BWW for three years. And you guys thought I was obsessed with the place! I asked him why he sat right next to me since all the seats where open and he said "well, you are in my seat so this is the closest one." I loved him immediately. Sadly we didn't have much time to chat as I had to catch a flight so we shook hands and said good-bye. Bill was far from an idiot so, Boss, if you are reading this, credit back $5. I snapped my photo and headed to the airport. Colorado, #12.

I just noticed I have something stuck in my teeth. Gross. Who's the idiot now.

Ok, this next part gets interesting. I was meeting my sales rep, let's call her Tara, at DEN to catch a flight to Alamosa, CO on an airline called Great Lakes. Now, I fly every week, so I'm pretty confident in my airport arriving timing. I'm on the rental car shuttle and Tara calls from the ticket counter and  said, "the flight leaves I'm 50 minutes and they cannot guarantee we will have a seat as this is considered late check in." They usually say that when the flight is in an oversell situation. Wait until you hear how many people were booked on this flight.

I get off the rental car shuttle for the second time (I had to go back to get my coat I left in my rental, what is it with me and coats?), hauled ass to the counter which was smaller than the desk I’m typing this out on and was greeted by two old ladies. They told me I would never make it. This was simply unacceptable because if I didn’t make the flight, I’d have to rent a car and drive 4 hours to that dump Alamosa. They were boarding in 20 minutes, the gate was clear across the airport and I still had to navigate security. (Why haven’t I done pre check yet??) I didn’t realize how far I actually had to go and in reality, I should not have made it. Now, I don’t run. I barely know how to walk most of the time but I had to Forrest Gump it and run like the wind through the Denver airport. I was doing well until I got to security and the line was really long, sonofabitch! All out of breath and looking like a disheveled lunatic, I asked people in line if I could pass and all of them but one angry Asian let me pass. I wanted to smack her but I didn’t have time. I got through security in record time and started running again. I must have looked like a complete idiot. I wanted to yell out how sorry I was that people had to see me running from behind with my pants falling down and my pink polka dot “Hanes her Way” old lady briefs showing. I have no idea how I ran that entire way which turned out to be about a mile according to my fit bit. As I was running down the home stretch, I could see Tara at the end of the terminal and immediately everything went into slow motion and that song they always play in the movies when someone is running to the finish line was totally playing in my head. It was amazing. Turns out they hadn’t even started boarding yet. I wanted to yell obscenities but I couldn’t breathe so I just stood there panting. Speaking of boarding, this is a Great Lakes boarding pass:  

Tara, the THREE other passengers and I boarded "the plane" which holds a total of 10 people, two being the pilots.  It was the most ridiculous thing I'd ever seen. I thought the worst part was that the pilot/flight attendant said no when I asked him if there would be a beverage (alcohol) service until I realized there was no bathroom on this piece of crap. I had to pee so f'ing bad, clearly I didn't have time to during my decathlon through the airport. I was on a plane the size of a Smart Car, with no chance of alcohol and I was pretty sure I was gonna mess myself. This was not going well. The pilot/flight attendant, Mitch, who I'm pretty sure wasn't old enough to drink let alone drive a plane, turned around and gave the safety speech along with a quick explanation on what to do if we have to abandoned ship out the emergency exit.
"OK ladies, if you need to exit the aircraft, pull the red lever and gently remove the door." I look and Tara and say "did he just say gently?" I'm pretty sure if I had to leave this plane quickly, I'd tear that door off as gently as I tear the meat off chicken wings. Your a funny idiot, Mitch. 

I think I captured the experience well:

I had to snap a photo of this to share with all of  you because it made me laugh. You will clearly die if this plane crashes but at least the seats are Contoured.I want $5 for anyone who was involved in writing this:

When we landed at the "airport" we had to call the Budget people because no one was there. About 2 minutes later a college aged girl came in wearing pajamas and a beanie and gave us the keys to our rental car. Sometimes I think that this job is really just a super long Candid Camera episode. This is the entire airport, I was standing on one end: 

So I won't even go into details about Alamosa Colorado, it was quite the experience but not as funny to anyone who doesn't do this job. I have to go back in a week or so. Yes, I have to do that plane ride again, twice. It was nice knowing all of you. 

It was all worth it when this sexual chocolate sat next to me on my DEN to SAN flight. Sometimes this job isn't so bad :)

Until next time, fans. Kisses!