As I start this blog while on my HOU to
DEN SW flight, I first need to point out (so I don't forget), the grown man,
wearing a business suit across the aisle, drinking a jack and coke and eating
his homemade snack mix made of assorted cereals. I can't handle a dude who eats frosted mini wheat's out of a gross, heavily re-used ziplock bag. Just eat
the peanuts man, they're better for you and you don't look like a fool. $5.
I landed in Denver and drove over to my
cousin Elizabeth's house, which I was totally jazzed about. Our Dads are first
cousins and where really close so Elizabeth and I grew up together. As we grew
older we grew apart but always had the family connection. Like many people,
Facebook reconnected us a few years ago and when I heard I was headed to
Denver, we made plans. We re-bonded over pizza and wine, reminisced and just
caught up on several years worth of life. We started with two bottles of wine
and I'm pretty sure I finished 1 1/2 of the 2. The next day was rough and I was kicking
myself for not remembering how alcohol affects me in high altitude. Maybe I
should move to Denver, I'd certainly drink less.
Disclaimer: If you are a man who has
lost his wife, stop reading now.
We went to breakfast the next morning
and talked about various topics, all of which were hilarious and offensive. My
favorite was talking about how dating in your mid-30's was a challenge because
most divorcee's with kids have angry ex wives around. Elizabeth blurted out,
"what about dating widowers?". Great idea!!!! We can troll the obit's
section, hang around local support groups and show up to funerals dressed to
impress. "sir, I know you just lost your wife and aren't ready to date but
here, take my, number. Call me when you're ready, (wink)." So wrong, but so amazingly genius.
I forgot to take a picture of us but I did take this photo from outside my cousin's house and kinda dig it.
After my appointment at an agency in
Golden, CO (home of the Coors Light), I drove back to Denver and swung into a
Buffalo Wild Wings for a beer and to cross CO off my list. I sat at the bar
which was empty, until Bill arrived and sat down next to me. Bill, an older
gentleman, was amazing and one of those people you will always remember
meeting. This guy has been coming to that BWW for three years. And you guys
thought I was obsessed with the place! I asked him why he sat right next to me since all the seats
where open and he said "well, you are in my seat so this is the closest
one." I loved him immediately. Sadly we didn't have much time to chat as I
had to catch a flight so we shook hands and said good-bye. Bill was far from an idiot so, Boss, if you are reading this, credit back $5. I snapped my photo
and headed to the airport. Colorado, #12.
I just noticed I have something stuck in my teeth. Gross. Who's the idiot now.
Ok, this next part gets interesting. I
was meeting my sales rep, let's call her Tara, at DEN to catch a flight to
Alamosa, CO on an airline called Great Lakes. Now, I fly every week, so I'm
pretty confident in my airport arriving timing. I'm on the rental car shuttle
and Tara calls from the ticket counter and
said, "the flight leaves I'm 50 minutes and they cannot guarantee we
will have a seat as this is considered late check in." They usually say that when the flight is in an oversell situation. Wait until you hear how many people were booked on this flight.
I get off the rental car shuttle for the second time (I had to go back to get my coat I left in my rental, what is it with me and coats?), hauled ass to the counter which was smaller than the desk I’m typing this out on and was greeted by two old ladies. They told me I would never make it. This was simply unacceptable because if I didn’t make the flight, I’d have to rent a car and drive 4 hours to that dump Alamosa. They were boarding in 20 minutes, the gate was clear across the airport and I still had to navigate security. (Why haven’t I done pre check yet??) I didn’t realize how far I actually had to go and in reality, I should not have made it. Now, I don’t run. I barely know how to walk most of the time but I had to Forrest Gump it and run like the wind through the Denver airport. I was doing well until I got to security and the line was really long, sonofabitch! All out of breath and looking like a disheveled lunatic, I asked people in line if I could pass and all of them but one angry Asian let me pass. I wanted to smack her but I didn’t have time. I got through security in record time and started running again. I must have looked like a complete idiot. I wanted to yell out how sorry I was that people had to see me running from behind with my pants falling down and my pink polka dot “Hanes her Way” old lady briefs showing. I have no idea how I ran that entire way which turned out to be about a mile according to my fit bit. As I was running down the home stretch, I could see Tara at the end of the terminal and immediately everything went into slow motion and that song they always play in the movies when someone is running to the finish line was totally playing in my head. It was amazing. Turns out they hadn’t even started boarding yet. I wanted to yell obscenities but I couldn’t breathe so I just stood there panting. Speaking of boarding, this is a Great Lakes boarding pass:
I get off the rental car shuttle for the second time (I had to go back to get my coat I left in my rental, what is it with me and coats?), hauled ass to the counter which was smaller than the desk I’m typing this out on and was greeted by two old ladies. They told me I would never make it. This was simply unacceptable because if I didn’t make the flight, I’d have to rent a car and drive 4 hours to that dump Alamosa. They were boarding in 20 minutes, the gate was clear across the airport and I still had to navigate security. (Why haven’t I done pre check yet??) I didn’t realize how far I actually had to go and in reality, I should not have made it. Now, I don’t run. I barely know how to walk most of the time but I had to Forrest Gump it and run like the wind through the Denver airport. I was doing well until I got to security and the line was really long, sonofabitch! All out of breath and looking like a disheveled lunatic, I asked people in line if I could pass and all of them but one angry Asian let me pass. I wanted to smack her but I didn’t have time. I got through security in record time and started running again. I must have looked like a complete idiot. I wanted to yell out how sorry I was that people had to see me running from behind with my pants falling down and my pink polka dot “Hanes her Way” old lady briefs showing. I have no idea how I ran that entire way which turned out to be about a mile according to my fit bit. As I was running down the home stretch, I could see Tara at the end of the terminal and immediately everything went into slow motion and that song they always play in the movies when someone is running to the finish line was totally playing in my head. It was amazing. Turns out they hadn’t even started boarding yet. I wanted to yell obscenities but I couldn’t breathe so I just stood there panting. Speaking of boarding, this is a Great Lakes boarding pass:
Tara, the THREE other passengers and I boarded "the plane" which holds a total of 10 people, two being the pilots. It was the most ridiculous thing I'd ever seen. I thought the worst part was that the pilot/flight attendant said no when I asked him if there would be a beverage (alcohol) service until I realized there was no bathroom on this piece of crap. I had to pee so f'ing bad, clearly I didn't have time to during my decathlon through the airport. I was on a plane the size of a Smart Car, with no chance of alcohol and I was pretty sure I was gonna mess myself. This was not going well. The pilot/flight attendant, Mitch, who I'm pretty sure wasn't old enough to drink let alone drive a plane, turned around and gave the safety speech along with a quick explanation on what to do if we have to abandoned ship out the emergency exit.
"OK ladies, if you need to exit the aircraft, pull the red lever and gently remove the door." I look and Tara and say "did he just say gently?" I'm pretty sure if I had to leave this plane quickly, I'd tear that door off as gently as I tear the meat off chicken wings. Your a funny idiot, Mitch.
I think I captured the experience well:
I had to snap a photo of this to share with all of you because it made me laugh. You will clearly die if this plane crashes but at least the seats are Contoured.I want $5 for anyone who was involved in writing this:
When we landed at the "airport" we had to call the Budget people because no one was there. About 2 minutes later a college aged girl came in wearing pajamas and a beanie and gave us the keys to our rental car. Sometimes I think that this job is really just a super long Candid Camera episode. This is the entire airport, I was standing on one end:
So I won't even go into details about Alamosa Colorado, it was quite the experience but not as funny to anyone who doesn't do this job. I have to go back in a week or so. Yes, I have to do that plane ride again, twice. It was nice knowing all of you.
It was all worth it when this sexual chocolate sat next to me on my DEN to SAN flight. Sometimes this job isn't so bad :)
Until next time, fans. Kisses!
"OK ladies, if you need to exit the aircraft, pull the red lever and gently remove the door." I look and Tara and say "did he just say gently?" I'm pretty sure if I had to leave this plane quickly, I'd tear that door off as gently as I tear the meat off chicken wings. Your a funny idiot, Mitch.
I think I captured the experience well:
I had to snap a photo of this to share with all of you because it made me laugh. You will clearly die if this plane crashes but at least the seats are Contoured.I want $5 for anyone who was involved in writing this:
When we landed at the "airport" we had to call the Budget people because no one was there. About 2 minutes later a college aged girl came in wearing pajamas and a beanie and gave us the keys to our rental car. Sometimes I think that this job is really just a super long Candid Camera episode. This is the entire airport, I was standing on one end:
So I won't even go into details about Alamosa Colorado, it was quite the experience but not as funny to anyone who doesn't do this job. I have to go back in a week or so. Yes, I have to do that plane ride again, twice. It was nice knowing all of you.
It was all worth it when this sexual chocolate sat next to me on my DEN to SAN flight. Sometimes this job isn't so bad :)
Until next time, fans. Kisses!
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