SAN to ORD 1/24/15

One hour into this trip and I've already encountered enough idiots to ask for approximately $30 more a year in pay and write a blog entry. This doesn't sound like a lot, but remember this is my first day (and hour) of work travel for 2015. It's gonna add up fast at this rate. Remember, this is full of bad language and offensive comments and if that bothers you, well, buzz off. 

Let me tell you about the San Diego airport on a Saturday morning. People who fly Saturday are assholes. They clearly are not savvy travelers (well maybe the prissy first class lady who wore white satin slippers through security, "Hey lady, you look like an idiot but thanks for $5 raise"). 

First of all, I'm not used to checking a bag and the process on American is a real pain. I had to wait in a line to pay for my bag at the kiosk (where I encountered a man who hasn't flown since the Regan Administration and had no clue what was happening. I smiled as I thought about him on the plane, lighting up a cigarette and hollering at the 'stewardess' for his hot breakfast. I decided not to count him as an idiot, he was just so adorably clueless.) So, after I paid for my bag, I had to wait in another line to drop it off. Idiot #1 was the bag check lady who ignored me for a good three minutes while she caught up with a co-worker, you're fired but hey, I'm $5 richer.

Kicking myself for not taking my ass down to the TSA office and getting Pre-Check yet, I walked through normal security, took off my boots, got out my laptop and made my way through x-ray, where sadly my glitter nail polish didn't set off the alarm. Then I encountered idiot #3 (#2 was Slipper Sally) who felt she needed to put her scarf and shoes on and put her laptop away right there at the conveyer belt. Let me take a step back and mention that this is my biggest pet peeve at the airport. Already at this point I wanted to strangle her with that scarf she took forever to put on, but instead I grabbed my shit and went to the bench to take care of it. $5 (cha-ching sound).  Before I forget, guess who is sitting next to me on the plane?

I walked to get an iced tea (I know what you are thinking but I have a no airport drinking policy before 10am) and things in the idiot category slowed, until I sat down at my gate. People watching while sitting at your gate is probably the best anywhere. See photo #1:

It took all I had not to ask her if her coat was real rabbit. Coincidentally she was first class which I think is a sham. Her and her fake 'coon coat belonged back in coach, with the rest of us degenerates. $5.

I got in line to board; this is a whole 'nother fiasco. One lady tried to walk on the plane without giving her boarding pass to ticket taker lady. All I heard was "MAM, MAM, GET BACK HERE!". Pull yourself together, lady. $5.

Next $5 came from guy who tried to board the plane with a suitcase the size of Africa. All I kept thinking was, "What the hell is going on here? Is this some kind of set up? Like a TV show about a bunch of losers who get stuck on a deserted island together? Not happening, I'll be going down with the ship."

Then, I spotted this treasure and quickly changed my mind:

I immediately texted this photo to my partner in crime, Lindsey, and the conversation went like this:

• Lindsey: Prince of Persia is that you?
• Me: I hope I get to sit next to him, I want to tell him I'm chilly and ask to borrow his yellow blanket.
• Me (while boarding): Damnit, I didn't get to sit next to the Prince! (FYI: Prince humor will return shortly) 
• Me (after sitting in my seat): Guess who I'm sitting next to on the plane? The girl who took her sweet ass time.
• Lindsey: You need to say something offensive to her like, "Nice to see you finally made it Dear, next time scoot your dumb ass to the side so the rest of us can get our shit done." (she shares in my frustration with this)
• Me: What about: "You're a whore."
• Lindsey: "I'm a Doctor, I can tell."
• Me: She's on the phone and putting Purel on.
• Lindsey: Of course she is. You should pull out some porn and read it out loud, really offend the shit out of her.
• Me: If she busts out nail polish I'm gonna lose my shit.
• Lindsey: "Um no dear, put that shit away before I bash your head into the tray table."

Disclaimer, if you are religious or get easily offended about Jesus jokes, or sexually inappropriate comments stop reading immediately (and let me know who you are so I can unfriend you on Facebook) Well, except my cousin Kylene and Pam Terrebonne.  Constance and Mom, if you reading this, stop now!

Ok now that that's out of the way, the rest went like this:

• Me: I can't stop laughing
• Lindsey: Good, make her nervous, make her think you're crazy.
• Me: Should I start talking to myself? Praying? "Dear Lord Jesus, please take away my smelly gas."
• Lindsey: "Sweet baby Jesus, please let me get through this flight without messing myself or sexing up Prince of Persia in the latrine. I'm overwhelmed with feelings to get pounded in the rear by him. I need your guidance baby Jesus."
• Me: I should ask the Prince if I can rub his lamp.
• Lindsey: Just go up to him and ask, "My first wish is...."
• Me: "To make sweet love to you in the lavatory."
• Lindsey: "Don't worry I have plenty of condoms!!!"
• Me: Damnit, they are all in my suitcase!
• Lindsey: Oh we'll, you'll just have to risk it.

And scene.

PS: I wasn't lying about the condoms.

America is full of idiots....

You told me you wanted me to blog my travel experiences so here you go. Part of why I want to do this is so I can report this to my Boss at review time to justify my enormous raise based on dealing with idiots on a weekly basis all around this country. If I can convince her that I should get $5 a year more per idiot in 2015, I can finally take that Bora Bora trip I've been wanting to go on.  So here goes.

Oh, and for this blog, I don't care about grammatical and spelling errors so for those of you that do care, stop reading this immediately.

First, I'll start by telling you what exactly I do for a living as no one can figure out, and sometimes neither can I. The company I work for, provides management software for insurance agencies, like the one I used to work for. I felt I was pretty savvy on the product (one of many my company provides) that I used for 10 years so I decided to take my brilliance to the source and somehow I got the job (without an funny business). To this day, I have no clue how I landed this gig as what I thought I knew, was about 5% of the knowledge I actually needed to successfully do this job. We (my Boss and I) have decided that my ability to bullshit has bridged the gap between what I do know vs what I don't know. If could put it into non software/insurance industry terminology, as a Solution Consultant I have to: be able to really read people, be professional (for any of you that know me, this is tough), know several software systems that is equivalent to  knowing every recipe in Julia Child's "The Art of French Cuisine" cookbook, backwards and forwards and come up with solutions equivalent to the following cooking related issues: rolling out pizza dough with no hands, a deaf person listening for the oven timer, a blind fella measuring ingredients by "eying" them, baking cupcakes using only a microwave, making a steak using chicken, all while rowing a boat, through Niagara Falls. You think I'm joking. OK, the Niagara Falls thing might be a stretch.

This crazy job does not occur in San Diego. It occurs in the most glorious of places, the Mid West. Sometimes I get lucky and get to travel in my own time zone but keep in mind that includes the Central Valley of California, which is as pleasant as a bikini wax. When I first got this job, the first place I traveled to was Dickinson, North Dakota. It was my first introduction into referring to airport's/towns  solely by their three digit code (truth is, you begin to speak about cities using only these code's). The code for Dickinson, ND is DIK. I'll leave you with that.

I'm going to try and post about every trip even if its just to report my miles flown (something I want to track this year) and the # of idiot sightings (for money purposes). My first trip is in two weeks to ORD (aka Chicago). It's my company's annual Sales meeting and since I'm in the Sales Department, I get invited. Should I survive the bitter cold, I'm certain there will be some good stories that come from it! Stay tuned....

Cheers!
CP