SAN to MFR to HOU to CRP to SAN - (2/16-2/19)

SAN to MFR to IAH to CRP to SAN - (2/16-2/19)

        

Well this trip was a shit show. It's funny how traveling to crap weather is easier than just regular weather. If I'm honest, the only idiot this trip was me. This trip started out great. I met my sales guy Monday at SFO (to protect the guilty, let's call him Andy) at gate 77A for cocktails and lunch before our connection to Meford, OR. Andy is one of my favorites and I was jazzed to be traveling with him. We've had quite the adventure together last year which I really need to blog about because it's an amazing story that involves a "hot" rental car. Anyway, our flight to Medford was on a tiny plane which I've grown to love for many reasons. (Main reason: I can get a seat that's aisle AND window combined. I mean, I just can't even deal with that amazingness).  As soon as we walked on this older than dirt plane, we got slapped in the face with the scent of urine. Like, they hosed the inside down of this dump with it. Had I known that pee smelling planes from the Truman administration were in my future, I may have passed on this job. I sat down in my single seat (yes!) and Andy sat across from me next to a girl. Normally I'm not on board with chatting up neighbors on the plane but I sure was glad Andy had the chatter bug and started talking to her. All I know is one minute I was complaining about the smell and the next, I was being handed a car air freshener. I didn't ask any questions, I just grabbed it and hung it like so:

(FYI I did leave it behind for the next passenger. It was the right thing to do.)

While all the smelling issues were being addressed, I noticed the guy in front of me taking pictures out his window with three different camera phones. This made me think something important was about to happen. (Other than him needing to cut his greasy hair and remove his cubic zirconia diamond earrings). I couldn't figure it out so I decided to hop on the picture train and snap a few, in hopes I was catching something life changing. After looking at them again now, I think I can see Madonna down there! Hi Madge!

Andy and I got in our rental and immediately went to BWW so I could cross Oregon off my list:

To our delight, this town was small and next to one of the roads were giant puddles, swampy type puddles. We (ANDY) immediately took our Santa Fe SPORT Flying through them. I wish I had recorded this nonsense but I guess it's better to not have evidence. Well, live evidence anyway.

We returned Santa Fe with more than it originally came with. Whoopsie!!!

The only other note worthy part of this trip was driving back to the hotel with "Leave the pieces" by the Wreckers blaring in the Santa Fe and the amazing sight of Andy singing along to every word at the top of his lungs. If I were writing an entry in Andy's yearbook, it would be: "don't ever change, dude!" And I would have meant every word. 

The rest of this trip was a Texas (DFW) sized disaster hat I prefer not to relive through written word.

Until next Time!

SAN to MKE to MSP to LAX - 2/9/15-2/13/15

2/11/15 - Minneapolis, MN

It's cold. I mean, fucking cold. I walked from my car to the restaurant and I'm pretty sure my right tibia froze. Why does anyone live here? I need to look up the population of this entire state, all of them are idiots. That's like, lots of five dollar bills.

Last night I drove  in what was described to me today as "freezing rain and one of the worst weather conditions to drive in." Let me describe to you last night’s driving scenario before I realized how bad of a situation I was really in:

First of all, finding the rental car's at the Minneapolis/St Paul airport is as about as easy as finding the female G spot. After wandering around that ridiculous airport for about 30 mins, I found National. I walked out to the garage and surveyed my options: A Chevy Impala (ugh) or a Dodge Ram the size of the airplane I just flew in on. I asked the gal at the counter if they had any SUVs somewhere and she said "no but we will later." Because hanging around this dump until “later” is what I wanna do on a Monday night. $5, idiot.

The Chevy and I got on the freeway at about 7pm and it was snowing, kinda. I started to realize that it was getting hard to see out the windshield. This is what I now know is caused by freezing rain. I fumbled around with various controls and knobs in Chevy and figured out the only solution was clearing the windshield with wiper fluid every few minutes. I wasn't sure what was happening, I'm from Southern California, so I just kept driving. I used to think I got my best thinking done while driving long distances. This is the biggest lie I've ever told myself. Here are a few things that crossed my mind last night:

“Why does ice keep forming on my windshield? This is annoying.”

“Ooooo, a White Castle! I need to remember to stop there tomorrow on my way back.”

“Was that gas station really called Pump and Munch? That's inappropriate.”

“I wonder if Bruce Jenner has picked his female name yet.”

(flipping through the XM radio stations) “I wonder if I should put on one of Jesus station's. This weather is brutal and who knows what may happen, I need some points, just in case.”

After three hours of this non sense (and no washer fluid left) I made it to Duluth and the Hampton Inn. I slid into my parking spot, checked in and immediately went in search of Neon Lights. I schlepped through the snow and found me a nice bar. They had late night happy hour and a bartender that look and acted like Screech from Saved By The Bell. I sat down, ordered me a beer and then this walked in:

She sat down and ordered the following items: a rum and coke, a Miller High Life and a side of ranch. She was a drunk mess. She finished the rum and coke and moved onto the miller high life. I wanted so desperately to stay long enough to watch her shoot the ranch (clearly that was her next move) but it was late so I walked in the snow back to the Hampton, went to sleep and dreamt of chicken wings.

2/17/15 (finally getting around to finishing this)

After my appointment the next day, I drove back to Minneapolis. The good news is, I could actually see out the windshield, the bad news is, I forgot to stop at White Castle. I had the evening to myself so I went out to eat at a steak joint that was pretty rad. It was packed but I managed a seat at the bar, got me a steak sandwich and chatted up the lady next to me. She mentioned that the weather that night was going to be the coldest they had in months. She was right. It was -22 with wind chill as I walked to my car. This is what that hell looks like:

The next day I flew to LAX so that I could drive to Santa Barbara. I was so happy when I walked outside to catch the rental car shuttle and felt the warm air hit me. Then, some crazy Asian lady almost hit me and two taxi drivers were getting into a fist fight. I loved LA for about 2 minutes, that’s a record.

Santa Barbara is amazing. I was fortunate enough to get to stay at a pretty fantastic place right on the beach so I could attend an insurance thing. I had been in the frozen tundra for four days and was completely exhausted but decided I was going to enjoy myself, even for just a few hours before the long drive home. After our meeting, I went to the pool and laid out, soaked up the vitamin D (and a Moscow mule or two) then walked down to the beach for the sunset. As I sat in the sand and inhaled the warm sea air, I remembered how lucky I was to be able to end my work week in a place people only dream of. Honestly, I doesn’t get much better than this:

 After that I cursed the entire 5 hour drive home through LA to San Diego. 

The end.

SAN to ORD 1/24/15

One hour into this trip and I've already encountered enough idiots to ask for approximately $30 more a year in pay and write a blog entry. This doesn't sound like a lot, but remember this is my first day (and hour) of work travel for 2015. It's gonna add up fast at this rate. Remember, this is full of bad language and offensive comments and if that bothers you, well, buzz off. 

Let me tell you about the San Diego airport on a Saturday morning. People who fly Saturday are assholes. They clearly are not savvy travelers (well maybe the prissy first class lady who wore white satin slippers through security, "Hey lady, you look like an idiot but thanks for $5 raise"). 

First of all, I'm not used to checking a bag and the process on American is a real pain. I had to wait in a line to pay for my bag at the kiosk (where I encountered a man who hasn't flown since the Regan Administration and had no clue what was happening. I smiled as I thought about him on the plane, lighting up a cigarette and hollering at the 'stewardess' for his hot breakfast. I decided not to count him as an idiot, he was just so adorably clueless.) So, after I paid for my bag, I had to wait in another line to drop it off. Idiot #1 was the bag check lady who ignored me for a good three minutes while she caught up with a co-worker, you're fired but hey, I'm $5 richer.

Kicking myself for not taking my ass down to the TSA office and getting Pre-Check yet, I walked through normal security, took off my boots, got out my laptop and made my way through x-ray, where sadly my glitter nail polish didn't set off the alarm. Then I encountered idiot #3 (#2 was Slipper Sally) who felt she needed to put her scarf and shoes on and put her laptop away right there at the conveyer belt. Let me take a step back and mention that this is my biggest pet peeve at the airport. Already at this point I wanted to strangle her with that scarf she took forever to put on, but instead I grabbed my shit and went to the bench to take care of it. $5 (cha-ching sound).  Before I forget, guess who is sitting next to me on the plane?

I walked to get an iced tea (I know what you are thinking but I have a no airport drinking policy before 10am) and things in the idiot category slowed, until I sat down at my gate. People watching while sitting at your gate is probably the best anywhere. See photo #1:

It took all I had not to ask her if her coat was real rabbit. Coincidentally she was first class which I think is a sham. Her and her fake 'coon coat belonged back in coach, with the rest of us degenerates. $5.

I got in line to board; this is a whole 'nother fiasco. One lady tried to walk on the plane without giving her boarding pass to ticket taker lady. All I heard was "MAM, MAM, GET BACK HERE!". Pull yourself together, lady. $5.

Next $5 came from guy who tried to board the plane with a suitcase the size of Africa. All I kept thinking was, "What the hell is going on here? Is this some kind of set up? Like a TV show about a bunch of losers who get stuck on a deserted island together? Not happening, I'll be going down with the ship."

Then, I spotted this treasure and quickly changed my mind:

I immediately texted this photo to my partner in crime, Lindsey, and the conversation went like this:

• Lindsey: Prince of Persia is that you?
• Me: I hope I get to sit next to him, I want to tell him I'm chilly and ask to borrow his yellow blanket.
• Me (while boarding): Damnit, I didn't get to sit next to the Prince! (FYI: Prince humor will return shortly) 
• Me (after sitting in my seat): Guess who I'm sitting next to on the plane? The girl who took her sweet ass time.
• Lindsey: You need to say something offensive to her like, "Nice to see you finally made it Dear, next time scoot your dumb ass to the side so the rest of us can get our shit done." (she shares in my frustration with this)
• Me: What about: "You're a whore."
• Lindsey: "I'm a Doctor, I can tell."
• Me: She's on the phone and putting Purel on.
• Lindsey: Of course she is. You should pull out some porn and read it out loud, really offend the shit out of her.
• Me: If she busts out nail polish I'm gonna lose my shit.
• Lindsey: "Um no dear, put that shit away before I bash your head into the tray table."

Disclaimer, if you are religious or get easily offended about Jesus jokes, or sexually inappropriate comments stop reading immediately (and let me know who you are so I can unfriend you on Facebook) Well, except my cousin Kylene and Pam Terrebonne.  Constance and Mom, if you reading this, stop now!

Ok now that that's out of the way, the rest went like this:

• Me: I can't stop laughing
• Lindsey: Good, make her nervous, make her think you're crazy.
• Me: Should I start talking to myself? Praying? "Dear Lord Jesus, please take away my smelly gas."
• Lindsey: "Sweet baby Jesus, please let me get through this flight without messing myself or sexing up Prince of Persia in the latrine. I'm overwhelmed with feelings to get pounded in the rear by him. I need your guidance baby Jesus."
• Me: I should ask the Prince if I can rub his lamp.
• Lindsey: Just go up to him and ask, "My first wish is...."
• Me: "To make sweet love to you in the lavatory."
• Lindsey: "Don't worry I have plenty of condoms!!!"
• Me: Damnit, they are all in my suitcase!
• Lindsey: Oh we'll, you'll just have to risk it.

And scene.

PS: I wasn't lying about the condoms.

America is full of idiots....

You told me you wanted me to blog my travel experiences so here you go. Part of why I want to do this is so I can report this to my Boss at review time to justify my enormous raise based on dealing with idiots on a weekly basis all around this country. If I can convince her that I should get $5 a year more per idiot in 2015, I can finally take that Bora Bora trip I've been wanting to go on.  So here goes.

Oh, and for this blog, I don't care about grammatical and spelling errors so for those of you that do care, stop reading this immediately.

First, I'll start by telling you what exactly I do for a living as no one can figure out, and sometimes neither can I. The company I work for, provides management software for insurance agencies, like the one I used to work for. I felt I was pretty savvy on the product (one of many my company provides) that I used for 10 years so I decided to take my brilliance to the source and somehow I got the job (without an funny business). To this day, I have no clue how I landed this gig as what I thought I knew, was about 5% of the knowledge I actually needed to successfully do this job. We (my Boss and I) have decided that my ability to bullshit has bridged the gap between what I do know vs what I don't know. If could put it into non software/insurance industry terminology, as a Solution Consultant I have to: be able to really read people, be professional (for any of you that know me, this is tough), know several software systems that is equivalent to  knowing every recipe in Julia Child's "The Art of French Cuisine" cookbook, backwards and forwards and come up with solutions equivalent to the following cooking related issues: rolling out pizza dough with no hands, a deaf person listening for the oven timer, a blind fella measuring ingredients by "eying" them, baking cupcakes using only a microwave, making a steak using chicken, all while rowing a boat, through Niagara Falls. You think I'm joking. OK, the Niagara Falls thing might be a stretch.

This crazy job does not occur in San Diego. It occurs in the most glorious of places, the Mid West. Sometimes I get lucky and get to travel in my own time zone but keep in mind that includes the Central Valley of California, which is as pleasant as a bikini wax. When I first got this job, the first place I traveled to was Dickinson, North Dakota. It was my first introduction into referring to airport's/towns  solely by their three digit code (truth is, you begin to speak about cities using only these code's). The code for Dickinson, ND is DIK. I'll leave you with that.

I'm going to try and post about every trip even if its just to report my miles flown (something I want to track this year) and the # of idiot sightings (for money purposes). My first trip is in two weeks to ORD (aka Chicago). It's my company's annual Sales meeting and since I'm in the Sales Department, I get invited. Should I survive the bitter cold, I'm certain there will be some good stories that come from it! Stay tuned....

Cheers!
CP